Compulsions

It feels really scary to post. I don’t know if it’s because it’s been a while or if it’s because I’m feeling especially weak & vulnerable at this time but I started this blog for a reason and this might find and help someone else.

I haven’t been writing because I’m not actually a writer, I’m just me! I’m not perfect. Yeah, maybe I can talk the talk but I struggle to walk it and I hate feeling like a hypocrite! How can I write about self help when I struggle to help myself? In the same breath, it is important to keep talking…

A lot of people who know me will sometimes joke about some of my behaviours that are traditionally thought of as being OCD. It’s not something I’ve really talked about before, I touched on it in therapy and was told high functioning anxiety can appear similar. For example, cleaning is a way of me trying to calm and control my anxiety. However, I am finding some of my habits/ “rituals” are getting worse & if I don’t complete certain routines (sometimes even by a certain time) this can make me feel just as uncomfortable and panicky – sometimes resulting in a panic attack.

I find it IMPOSSIBLE to relax. I seem to continually keep inventing tasks to soothe myself. The temporary relief leaves me a prisoner to my own behaviour. It’s exhausting. Our home feels like my haven and a source of stress all at the same time because you can guarantee the cycle will repeat itself many times in a single day.

I have no idea how to control these urges? and it’s SO. incredibly FRUSTRATING!! Especially when I’m so aware of how ridiculous my behaviour is at times🙈 but if I try and stop myself it almost becomes painful so I give in and do/“fix” whatever it is I need to do. I think this is one of the most frustrating things about having an anxiety disorder: knowing that as you’re freaking out there’s no reason to be freaking out but still lacking the ability to shutdown the emotion or in this case the action.

It’s scary but I’m starting to realise and accept that maybe it’s time to reach out and seek help again. It feels silly to call my doctor up and be like ‘Hey, I can’t stop cleaning and/or checking locks and it’s beginning to interfere with my daily life. Can you help?🤷🏻‍♀️’ but it is what it is and enough is enough!

Can you relate? Any tips would be super appreciated x