Saturday, August 25, 2018
After my post ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway!” I recieved several messages to say I had inspired and encouraged others to seek out help, yet here I am having a lot of conflict with myself on whether to speak out more on this topic (mainly because I don’t want to come across like I’m preaching about something I struggle so much with myself) but, I do feel very strongly about MH and it is important to acknowledge and let it be known to others YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I want to increase understanding around mental health, break down stereotypes and take the taboo out of something that affects us all. If sharing pieces of my story helps just one person, win.
My journey so far…
I initially refused to seek out a therapist. I had no idea what I would say. I couldn’t remember my accident and I was scared of remembering. I didn’t want to remember. I made excuse after excuse. Part of me felt like other people needed more help than I did, and I didn’t want to waste the resources. I was totally resistant. After several chats and advice from different people, I started to come round to the idea and I looked into online therapy but it turned out I didn’t have much choice. After several assessments, I was told online would be no benefit to me. Instead they would offer me 1:1 cbt sessions. I agreed and it is honestly, probably, one of the best decisions I have ever made for myself. I enjoy therapy, but making progress is not easy. My therapist wanted me to keep a thought diary but I couldn’t put my thoughts to paper. It was too painful to open up. At times it seemed impossible to change. I had to spend dozens of hours thinking and challenging myself outside of therapy to write and spend time reflecting. Now, it has been made clear to me that this is “normal”. Many people are afraid of their emotions, especially feelings that make them uncomfortable or upset. Often, this fear can push people away from the benefits that emotions provide. Like me, you can be desperate not to feel what you are feeling. Ashamed. I was talking to a friend about drafting this post the other day and something she said made me sad and has played on my mind ever since.. “Like at the minute I would probably share something on Facebook generically about mental health… but the second it insinuates I have a mental health problem, I ain’t sharing it. It’s almost like it’s okay to talk about, as long as it’s not about you.” And I hear that and it’s probably something a lot of us are guilty of doing, but it’s not healthy and we need to be more honest with ourselves and prove that as tricky as it is we really do accept and support MH issues. Actions speak louder than words. After several sessions, me and my therapist had a long chat about all the strategies and things I am missing out on. She told me, she knows it is a scary process but she is waiting with open arms, ready to take the plunge with me. It started to feel more like talking with a friend than actual therapy. I feel like I can be honest with her. Something tells me that she doesn’t judge me. She understands where I am coming from. She empathises. I have decided to start working with her as constructively as I can. After all what’s the worst that can happen? I can remain stuck in the shitty place I am or I can stop holding myself back and be free. It won’t be easy but will it be worth it? By using therapy to my maximum advantage I’m hopeful that it will change my world.
My message? Don’t deny your weaknesses, face them. Tell yourself they’re real and it’s okay to have them. Take care of yourself♡